What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
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remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize