Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
