Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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