I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
