I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The beer is more important than you right now.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i think my cat just said my name.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
