The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize