Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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