if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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