I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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