Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
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After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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