the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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