So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
