Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
