She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
