i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
