Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
