I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
