i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
