I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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