My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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