I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Randomize
