It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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