just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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