life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
