the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
