Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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