this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
