Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
