last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
