I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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