just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We were destined to go to rehab together
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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