Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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