Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
