my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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