I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
3 2 1 whiskey
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
