You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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