Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
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Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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