You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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