I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
