think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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