Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's just like the Real World with babies
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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