I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
