Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
