I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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