I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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