you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
