Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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