Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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