guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
