my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
