I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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