I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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