so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
