so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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