Barsexuality is the new black.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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