my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
