You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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