you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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